Fashionista to Passionista

At 49.5 years of age, I have been on the planet for approximately 18,065 days. WOW. That’s a lot of days. Math is not my strong suit so I could be off by a few thousand days but that’s not my point. My point is, what, exactly, have I accomplished in that time? Well, I’ve had two careers, one before children and one after. I’ve raised two children I am proud to give to the world. I’ve maintained strong, positive relationships with my family, my ex-husband, and my ex-common-law husband which, I understand, is somewhat uncommon. I am proud of these accomplishments.

But at this age, the question is no longer “What have I done?” but “What have I done for me?”. That’s a whole new ballgame and one that is not easy to answer.

In truth, I haven’t done a whole lot for me. And I don’t think it’s selfish to want some satisfaction, some joy, some excitement, and some challenges solely and utterly for me. That is my new focus as I prepare to reach a half century on this planet. Like it or not, I’ve likely been on the planet for more days than I have left and if that’s not a wake-up call I don’t know what is.

I know, I know. Some of you are thinking for the love of God, stop it. Why so glum? Why so negative? Well to you I say: I am not negative. I am not glum. I am aware. I am mindful of my mortality. I can’t think of a better motivator than an awareness that causes a healthy sense of urgency. Burying your head in the sand, looking the other way, ignoring the obvious won’t make the clock stop.

Do that thing you wanted to do when you have the time, when things improve, when the kids move out, when you have enough money. Cuz ya ain’t getting any younger…

A dear friend related a story to me of her morning. A vibrant, insightful boomer who celebrated her 50th birthday a few days ago, she is breaking out of her comfort zone. Like the rest of us middle-aged crazies, she is looking to make her second half count. Her way to accomplish that today was to go to Starbucks.

Let me explain.

She usually stops in at Tim Horton’s on the way to the office. A creature of habit, like the rest of us, she finds it easy to fall into routine where thought is not required. The same way to work, the same drive-through Tim Horton’s, the same coffee. Well today, damn it, she thought, no! I will change it up. It may not have been an earth-shattering change, but it was a change nevertheless, an indication that she was making conscious, deliberate decisions, not living by rote.

And did this small shift in behaviour, this tiny adjustment in destination, culminate in one of those moments which results in a big payoff for a small amount of effort? Did this small act of change provide an aha moment for my friend who felt empowered by making a conscious, deliberate decision about her behaviour? Um, no.

Apparently while trying to actually get to Starbucks, she ended up on the wrong side of the 401 highway. Did she decide to abandon her new choice in favour of habit and comfort, and drive straight to Tim Horton’s? No she did not! She carried on, determined to change up her morning. Defiantly, she drove through the Starbucks drive-through, ordered her soy-latte-frappucino-no-whip-low-fat-mocha-whatever (I don’t drink coffee, can you tell?), and proudly handed the cashier her debit card. Of course the cashier had no idea that my friend had broken out of her morning routine, that this single act was one of empowerment and personal delight. The cashier didn’t know that. The cashier did know that my friend’s debit card was declined. And so my friend put her $4 coffee on her credit card.

She reached the office, powered up her computer, was getting herself organized, when the phone rang. It happened to be the bank, telling her that her account was overdrawn. (Insert sardonic stare here.) Undaunted, and determined to enjoy her mocha-mess the way it was intended to be, she put the cursed drink in the microwave, put it on for 30 seconds, and the contents promptly exploded. spewing foam on all six internal surfaces of the microwave.

Moments later, my friend, having related her adventures to me to the point where I had tears running down my face, was happily sitting in her chair, sipping the bottom two inches of what was left of her Starbucks coffee. She had changed it up and she was proud.

It never hurts to shake things up a bit, in fact, it’s good for us. Is it always like it is in the movies when a “moment” is about to happen? Epic orchestral music, slow-mo visuals, a satisfying sense of accomplishment? Not always. Sometimes it’s burnt foam all over the inside of a small kitchen appliance that requires a great deal of elbow grease and steel wool to correct. The result is not the thing. The intent is. When you make a conscious decision to change it up, you prove you’re alive.

You! And me! Congratulations to us! I would like to thank the Academy of Real Life for this prestigious award.

You know, I love watching the Oscars. I predominantly watch it for the gowns rather than the actual movies. My favourite of all time? Halle Berry’s 2002 Elie Saab masterpiece. It still makes my knees weak. My favourite this year? A tie between Sandra Bullock and Anna Kendricks. Both beautiful and elegant. But I digress…

I believe this obsession with celebrity culture has gone far enough. This near-pathological need to know the latest gossip, personal failure, and scandal of the rich and famous has gotten pretty out of hand. Pardon my cynicism but I think if you have “handlers”, you don’t have any right to have a breakdown. Now work three jobs, raise two children, and keep your sanity relatively intact, well THAT deserves an award.

For us boomers, well, we’ve been around the block a few times. Certainly enough times to have had a few challenges. Challenges that we couldn’t correct with spin or a trip to rehab. And yet, we had to keep going. I had to perform on stage just weeks after my brother died. I pulled it together. Some of us have had to raise children, keep our judgement and parenting skills intact, while being so tired we couldn’t form complete sentences. And then when a kid woke up sick, we had to dig down to find an even deeper well of strength. Some of us have had to get by on $5 for a few days before the next paycheque. Some of us have had to be there for sick parents, emotionally demanding teens, suicidal friends, and challenging jobs even though our own resources were so depleted we abstractly wondered if we had actually already expired from exhaustion and were simply moving on residual adrenalin.

And yet we did. So to all of us who are just ordinary folks, but who have done extraordinary things under crippling circumstances without aid of handlers, people, or staff, or more money than God, I would like to present this virtual award. Congratulations, we deserve it!

Now, if only I had an Elie Saab dress to go with it….

My last post was about asking ourselves effective questions. Rather than asking “Why me?”, an effective question would be “What can I do to change XYZ?” Effective questions place the accountability squarely in our laps. Before we can ask ourselves effective questions, we need to have a realistic and clear picture of where we are. Only then will we know the questions we need to ask ourselves.

By middle-age we have honed our bad habits into highly developed patterns of behaviour; we’ve had a lot of time to practice. By this age-and-stage, there is often at least one area of our lives which requires great attention to make it right. Let’s use me as an example with an entirely hypothetical “problem area”: finances. My boss recently told me that if I put even half as much effort into my finances as I did into my personal style, I’d be rich. And he is right. One of my passions is fashion (who knew??), and I have the full walk-in closet and hefty Visa bill to prove it.

I could spend my time doing a number of things. I could beat myself up, berating myself for spending money I didn’t have on things that weren’t necessary (although I would argue that a pair of red, patent-leather t-strap pumps are as vital to my survival as, say, water is to yours). I could also blame external forces. If only my children didn’t need food and clothing. If only my children had decided that they wanted to work full time at 17 rather than further their education (how selfish of them). If only it didn’t cost so much to live in this city.

I could spend a lot of time pointing a finger at everything and everyone else. Of course, when you point 1 finger, 4 more are pointing back at you. Which is where the accountability begins and ends. Yes, there are times when external forces we didn’t expect, ask for, or choose become part of our experience. Our accountability then is, what did we do with that experience? Did we ask more victim-mentality questions? Did we rant and rave about how unfair life is? Did we have too much wine and watch too much trash tv? (Oh wait, that was me.)

No, damn it, we did not. We behaved like the mature, reasonable, gracious adults that we are. We took stock of the situation, we strategized our best plan of action, and we calmly moved forward. (That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.)

Because in the end, knowing where you are, and how you got there are the cornerstones of change and progress. You cannot move forward in any productive way without knowing where you are, and understanding the steps – right or wrong – that brought you to this point.

So back to my hypothetical problem. Years ago, unhappy in my marriage, I turned to a new love. Clothes. We had a fabulous, illicit relationship, my clothing and I. I couldn’t get enough. I mistakenly understood the fleeting joy of a new purchase as contentment. Of course, that joy passes quickly, and so I needed to repeat the behaviour. For the first 20 years of my adulthood (20 – 40ish), this was my vice, my undercover joy. After my divorce and the subsequent Kraft Dinner and tuna years where I worked 3 jobs and it was all I could do just to keep food on the table, my vice was instantly no longer important. It wasn’t even an option. When you have $5 to your name and you are trying to decide to buy 5 more boxes of Kraft Dinner or put gas in the car to get to work, purple suede Mary Janes simply aren’t part of the equation.

Once the kids and I were through that time and we had enough money for luxuries like fruit, I had to ask myself some hard questions or repeat the same mistakes. I hadn’t shopped for about 3 years. I can remember accepting a service award at our convention the first year I was back in the corporate work force (happily making enough money to work only one job) and I accepted it wearing a cardigan I had picked up at Goodwill because I didn’t have a jacket or blazer. That photo is still on the wall at the office and I see it every day when I arrive. And it reminds me every day of where I was, where I am now, and just how far an internal journey that has been. Because I asked myself some hard questions, I found the answers, and then came the effective questions.

Why did I over-shop (fill in your own vice here: eat, drink, sleep around, gamble, game, watch trash tv, etc)? To feel joy. Because I was lonely. What was the result of this behaviour? Not having adequate resources to comfortably support myself and my children after my divorce. Whose fault was all of this? Entirely mine and mine alone. Recognizing all this brought clarity, and with clarity came the effective questions, the answers to which I still live by (I don’t think that’s actually a sentence, but let’s move on.)

What can I do to improve my situation? Create a workable, reasonable budget. Exercise self-discipline. Keep my eye on the big picture goal of financial security in favour of fleeting fun. Purchase a few pieces each year, and replace others when they wear out. In truth, it isn’t even difficult. After recognizing that filling my closet was a substitute for personal contentment, I put a plan of action into place to honour the effective answers. I then set off on the journey I am currently on: to find and experience all the joy that I can through discovering what I am passionate about on a deeper level than fleeting fun. Those answers are starting to materialize, and they surprise me: service to others on subjects I care about, being a participating member of our global community, inspiring myself and others to live passionately every day.

Today, determine if you need to ask yourself some hard questions. I would, but I’m off to the store. Sadly, there is damage to the heel of one of my shoes that cannot be repaired. What a shame.