Fashionista to Passionista

I purposely left this category until the end. The reason for this is that I needed to focus on me first, and then focus on others. That is a key component to any balanced life, and one I’ve managed to ignore for most of my 49 years.

Two years ago, after my brother died at 46 years of age (which was the event which set me on this path to self-discovery and the search for meaning and joy), I realized one thing that was missing was a sense of community. I realized one Friday when I decided – damn it! -  I was going to have some fun, that I didn’t have one person to call to join me for a movie. Let me be clear that I have a dear friend who lives an hour away, another dear work-friend whom I don’t typically socialize with outside the office, and three partners-in-crime from my highschool years who have their own lives, their own children, and their own friends. They’d help me move a body, but most likely wouldn’t help me move house, because we just aren’t in each others’ lives day to day. My boyfriend is a single parent like me, so, like me, his priority is always his children, and as such, we don’t get a lot of couple time. And besides, he’s a guy. I was looking for a woman-friend to go out with. Focusing solely on work and raising kids, especially as a single parent, doesn’t really lend itself to creating and maintaining much of a social life. At least it didn’t for me. And so, on that fateful Friday night, I gave some thought to creating a community in my life and so, I did what every other self-respecting person does when they’re lonely. I went online. I remembered I liked to play euchre as a teen, and so went online to find a local euchre group. That took me to an application called meetup.com, which opened my world to all kinds of groups. No matter what your interest, you can likely find a group there. Well, I started searching for a woman’s social group but couldn’t find one in my age group (40+) which didn’t further subcategorize into married, single, no kids, with kids, etc. So, not finding anything that spoke directly to me, I decided to take the proverbial bull by the horns, and create my own. I started the Fabulous 40+ West End Women, and stated that if you were over 40, regardless of relationship status, regardless of whether you were a kids/no kids person, you could join. The only criteria was 40+. 40+ women have a common perspective. It seems it’s quite universal – at least in North America, that by the time women hit 40+, they have had quite enough of looking after everyone else, and are ready to have themselves a little fun. (I have since found that is true for men too, but I didn’t create a group for them.) Anyway, my first event, a Little Black Dress dinner, was scheduled for March 6, 2009. We had about 20 ladies show up and we had a blast. Within 3 months, there were 90 members. Within a year, there were over 140. We have a blast, and I have met some genuinely amazing women who I am proud to call friends. 

Sometimes we can feel that something is missing but we have no idea what. That single thought – I have no one to call to go to a movie – has led me, a year later, to belong to a wonderful community of fabulous ladies. Two or three events are scheduled per month, and we have a blast. As it turns out, yesterday’s event was to attend the movie Eat, Pray, Love, and then have dinner to discuss afterwards. I read Eat, Pray, Love when it came out, and my initial reaction was ”geez, drama queen much?”. She’s a little over the top, and a little too dramatic for me, however the message was clear. She had spent her time losing herself within relationships, and was now basically just a reflection of her partner. And that was one of the things that became very clear to me when I started on this personal journey. I had done exactly the same thing, as had many women my age. We had defined ourselves by our relationships, and now were ready to redefine who we are. Being an edgy kind of girl, I kind of enjoy the title “Fuck You Fifties”. I don’t mean that in a bad way, but it pretty much sums up the way I feel, even though I mean it a little more politely than that. But the sentiment is there: time for me, back off and get your own sandwich.

And so my group and I enjoyed a movie, and then a dinner full of robust and lusty conversation (a moment of reverence for the man that is Javier Bardem - sigh). This is what having girlfriends is all about. This is what having a community is all about: companionship, support, laughter, fun, goofiness, a sense of belonging and safety. These are all good things. Studies have been done that show those of us who live in isolation are less healthy and less happy. I completely agree. We don’t necessarily need a mate, but we do need to feel as though we belong somewhere. I think when it comes right down to it, we’re pack animals. I need a lot of time alone for a number of reasons, but it’s good to know I have people I can lean on, laugh with, and be silly with.

I absolutely do not believe someone needs a significant other to be happy. Happiness, I have discovered, comes from within, not from without. No relationship, no matter how good, can fill you with the joy you feel when you have delighted yourself. I know this from experience. My boyfriend of 8 years makes me very happy. He’s gorgeous, intelligent, funny, playful, and mischievious. But, unlike my previous relationships, I don’t expect him to make me happy. I expect me to find my own happiness, undiluted by others, and then bring that to any relationship table I choose to sit at.

Interestingly, I have discovered that the more I work on myself, the better all of my relationships are. Go figure. No man or woman is an island. I believe a sense of community is an integral part of what makes us human.

Road trip: n. a journey via automobile which is sometimes unplanned or impromptu. Journey: a travelling from one place to another, usually taking a long time.

If we assume this is an acceptable definition of a road trip, then that is exactly what I took yesterday. I did indeed travel by automobile, with no particular destination in mind. And it did indeed take a long time. Even though I only went about 15 kilometres.

It started out successfully enough. I packed up my essentials: water bottle, money, ID, reading glasses, and distance glasses. I had to bring both because I was wearing my aviators. Which means I had to wear my contact lenses. Which means I wouldn’t be able to read a map so needed the reading glasses. And if my contacts got messed up somehow, I’d need the distance glasses to safetly navigate the trip home. Ah, the joy of trying to see anything without at least two vision aids. I gassed up the car, slid my driving CD into the slot, and headed out on the open road. First stop, Blockbuster. I returned From Paris With Love. When I’d rented it two nights before, Mike – the guy who knows everything about every movie – gave me kind of an apologetic look. I didn’t have high hopes. Actually, it was fun to watch Travolta having such a good time. And it’s getting a 6.4/10 on imdb.com so it can’t be all bad. That done, off to the drycleaners to drop off my white pants. I love them, and they fit perfectly, but they’re white – probably the least practical item of clothing I have, and yes, that’s including the platform Michael Kors sandals I keep falling off of. Getting back in the car, I was glad I had brought water. Phew, it was getting intense, the traffic. I checked my watch. 3:30pm. The beginning of rush hour in the GTA. Sucking in a deep breath, I headed out with great purpose to my next destination, the Vacuum Factory.

Bob is a nice man. I’ve only seen him the last couple of times I stopped in so I’m not sure whether it’s new management or whether just Bob is new. He’s succinct and helpful – you can’t really ask for more. I had been vacuuming the newly cleaned out rec room the night before when my machine gave up the ghost. Recognizing that it had overheated, I cleaned it out, and left it to cool until the following morning. But no, it had had enough. I know how it feels – sometimes I’ve had enough too. Figuring it needed some TLC, I added it to my list of road trip destinations.

With my responsibilities out of the way, it was time to head for the open road. My mama didn’t raise any idiots (that I know of) so I decided to avoid the main highway and stick to the side roads. In Southern Ontario, there are two seasons: winter and construction. We are not currently experiencing winter so that left only one option. Almost 45 minutes later, I managed to get to a location that would have taken me 15 on the highway. Smug in my foresight to avoid the highway, I approached the overhead bridge spanning the 6 lanes. And saw the traffic below just humming along at a zippy clip with nary a bottleneck in sight. Undaunted, I carried on, and finally made it out of the burbs.

If you like to drive, and I do, once you’re on the open road it’s exhilarating and relaxing at the same time. I was exhilarated and relaxed for about 400 meters until I encountered construction. The next few kilometres on the 2-lane country road were filled with the sights and smells of our second season: jackhammers, diesel fuel, narrowed lanes with drivers flipping each other off. Ah, summer….  In the distance, I could see my destination – the Niagara escarpment, so tantalizingly close and yet so far. Once through the congestion the construction had created, the road really did open up, and I flew with abandon for about 2 km until I reached the point where I had to turn.

This really was a lovely part of the trip, a narrow 2-lane road with magnificent homes banking either side, beautiful, lush foliage almost creating a tunnel. I noted a swan statue gracing one of the yards, until it moved. Wow. Who has a swan in their front yard? The road becomes steep here, as you climb the escarpment. Soaring 510 metres (1675 feet), and stretching from New York, through Ontario, and back into Wisconsin and Illinios, it is a massive ridge formed from fossil-rich sedimentary rock. The weathered edge of a very ancient sea bottom, it continues to erode in a southerly direction. 23,000 – 12,000 years ago, it was covered in the Winsconsin Glacier which receded and created the Great Lakes. It is packed with biodiversity, and at just a few klicks outside of the city, an easy retreat when you are feeling the need for some nature. Driving up and down the escarpment is fun and I was pumped with adrenalin that I’d done something more than run errands at the strip mall. Then I passed a cyclist who was gliding up the same incline, and I realized how narrow my view of excitment had become. But that’s okay – we all have to start somewhere. I drove quietly through Rattlesnake Point, a beautiful spot where, sadly, hapless climbers have met their untimely end. The drive back down is even more fun, with the road whipping into a hairpin turn, with barely enough road for one car, let alone two. I had so much fun, I drove the loop a second time, filming my descent.

Well, by now I’d been on the open road for about two hours (most of it stuck behind dump trucks), and it was time for the long journey home. I screwed my courage to the sticking-place, put my pedal to the metal, and promptly followed another convoy of construction vehicles all the way home. I was content in the fact that even though my trip hadn’t consisted of many miles, I had some harrowing driving-down-the-escarpment-with-one-hand-while-filming footage to share. (I think that constitutes distracted driving but we’ll just keep that to ourselves.) I arrived home dusty but no worse for wear. I powered up my laptop and connected my camera. And realized I hadn’t hit the “record” button hard enough. The only footage I had from my road trip was a two-second bit I’d taken of my leg when practicing.

In the middle of this adventure, my phone rang. This is relevant to mention for two reasons: 1. My Mustang has the Synch package which means when my phone rings, it does so through the car speakers and I can just press a button to speak through a microphone. 2. Because it was Bob, who had information about my vacuum cleaner. As though speaking to a naughty child, he informed me the vacuum cleaner was very dirty, and needed a good cleaning out. It should be noted that I had taken care to clean it out before taking it, much like a person will clean their house before the housekeeper arrives. But no, the filter was still quite dirty according to Bob, and needed to be cleaned. Feeling slightly guilty that I’d managed to get my vacuum cleaner dirty (?!), I gave Bob the okay to get ‘er done.

So what did all of this teach me? Well, a few things. First, never head out for a road trip on Friday afternoon. Or in the summer. Or in Southern Ontario.  What I really learned was that things don’t always go according to plan, and the best thing we can do is roll with them, take notice of what the new course has to offer, and simply enjoy the experience. In the road trip of life, I plan to continue venturing beyond the strip mall.

Ah, fashion and beauty. Now that I’ve dealt with fitness and finances (my two Achilles’ heels), I’m can now comfortably sit back on my Parasuco-clad ass, and wax philosophical about our outward appearance. Let me state three things right off the bat: 1. Never dress for anyone else, only for yourself. 2. Your style is whatever makes you feel good about yourself.  3. You are perfect exactly the way you are. These will be adDRESSed later on (see what I did there, given this is a post about fashion?)

First, a few words about fashion, beauty, and aging. The title of this post is meant to be a joke. I would classify myself as a butterface (as in, everything about her is good, but-her-face…). I don’t have good bone structure, my teeth are way too big for my mouth, my nose is crooked and I have a weak chin. On top of all that, I’ve noticed that recently, the skin on my face seems to want to slide south, creating frown lines and the beginnings of jowls. However, I am happy with the way I look. A few years back, I had the opportunity to model in an ad for a spa. I was supposed to be a “mature” woman who looked rapturous while having a procedure done. While prepping for the shoot, the spa owner remarked that I could do something about the wrinkles around my eyes. I told her I had earned every one of them.

The statements I’ve made above are subjective. I make these comments only when comparing myself to what society deems beautiful: young, thin, symetrical, veneered. Millions and millions of dollars are spent on ad campaigns drumming into our heads the message that unless you fit that very narrowly defined description, you are undesirable. Let’s dissect that notion.

First, young people are designed to be appealing. It’s how we’ve managed to keep our species going. If young men were only jumping the bones of MILFs, our species would die out. Nature designed it this way and that’s good. When, however, did we adopt the notion that being sexually attractive is the optimal state of being? My belief, and I think it’s an unpopular one, is that it is perfectly fine, in fact preferable, to no longer be primarily sexually appealing. I want to maintain a healthy, fit body because I want to live a long and productive life. As a result of exercise and eating right, I will maintain a decent figure. But the goal is longevity. And no matter how much I work out, or how much night cream I slather on, gravity is still going about it’s relentless business, oblivious to the fact that it’s dragging my body parts to the ground. I am no longer responsible for populating the world (been there, done that), and I can now move on to other things. Like writing a blog. Or creating a community for 40+ women. Or whatever other passion I wish to focus on. When did it become unacceptable to accept aging? It seems that if you’re not primarily classified as sexually attractive, you have no value. Well, I couldn’t disagree more. (This is not to say I wouldn’t have my eyes lifted or some work done, it’s all about why you’re doing it. And I absolutely wouldn”t be having anything done to try and resenble a 30-year-old. )

We are not our bodies. We are not our thoughts. We are not our emotions. We are the entity who inhabits our body, generates thoughts, and feels emotions. However, while we may not be our bodies, we each have one, so we might as well dress it properly. When I say “properly”, I mean in clothing that fits, is clean and mended, and reflects your personal style. I believe we feel better when we present our best self to the world. We close doors we weren’t even aware of when we don’t. Effort is valued, and a clean, groomed, person in well-fitting clothes appears to make an effort. So, if you’ve ignored this part of your life for a bit, here are some basic steps to get you back on a fashionable track:

1. Go through your closet twice a year and purge anything you haven’t worn in 2 years (unless it has sentimental value or you love it). Also purge anything that was trendy more than 2 years ago – it won’t be anymore. Also purge anything that only a 30-year-old should be wearing. If it doesn’t reflect who you are now, it should go. If the items are unstained and repaired, give them to Goodwill. If they aren’t, then recycle. At the end of this exercise, you should have only well-maintained clothes that fit your current body, and that you feel good wearing.
2. Remember that cellulite clearly shows through lightweight fabric like linen. This discovery led me to my first purchase of Spanx. Always make sure you look at yourself from all angles when assessing a garment.
3. Don’t get into the “only sweats are comfy” mindset. A well-fitting pair of jeans or khakis are just as comfortable, and reflect a more elegant you.

If you get to the point where you feel you’re starting over with your wardrobe, here is my list of the basics all women should have. If you own these, you’re pretty much ready for anything:
1. Well-fitting, darker wash pair of jeans. If you haven’t bought a new pair in 10 years, rectify that immediately. Classic: Medium-rise boot cut. Boho: low rise flares. Sporty: good ol’ classic Levis. Edgy: Skinny jeans.

2. A white shirt. You have tons of options, depending on your style. For example, Classic: man’s style button front. Boho: smock or tunic style with some frills or embellishment. Sporty: a simple white T-shirt. Edgy: draped blouse.

3. A jacket. Classic: a tweed blazer. Boho: a band jacket (think Sargeant Pepper). Sporty: jean jacket (BIG rule: never wear the same wash denim on top and bottom – you”ll look like you’re wearing a jean suit). I have “jean” jacket in beige suede and it’s perfect with jeans and a t-shirt. Edgy: black leather.

This is outfit number one. For boomers, who have earned the right to be elegant (we own it; our younger sisters can rarely pull it off), I would take most pieces from the classic list, and then throw in the third piece in the category that you’re drawn to. For me, it’s edgy. You can’t go wrong with jeans, a white shirt, and a jacket. Moving on…

4. A day dress or suit (jacket and skirt or pants) in a neutral colour. Neutrals are black, brown, khaki, and grey. I know some fashionistas will say navy is a neutral but frankly to me, it’s blue. And the only “blue” that’s a neutral are blue jeans. If you’re starting from scratch, stick with one anchoring neutral for belts, shoes and boots: either black or brown, depending on the neutral of your dress or suit. This item will take you to anything where the dress code is business or business casual.

5. A little black dress. Something with just a little more flare than your day dress/suit, for evening dinners, cocktails, the theatre – any time you need to punch it up a little.

6. Footwear: Classic: loafers, pumps, slingbacks. Boho: moccasins, Uggs. Sporty: sneakers, Keds, Converse. Edgy: heels, metal embellishment. Start with one classic, and then add one from the category you’re drawn to.

7. Bag: Classic: satchel. Boho: hobo bag. Sporty: cross-body bag. Edgy: embellishment. If you’re starting your bags from scratch, I think a classic satchel and either a hobo or cross-body bag will get you through everything. You do not need to match your shoes, in fact it’s better if you don’t. So here you can have a little fun and throw in some colour. You can use the satchel for evening as well, provided the event isn’t formal. If so, you’ll need a small wristlet or evening bag.

8. Coats: You cannot go wrong with a neutral, all-weather trenchcoat. And, if you’re like me and live in a cold clinate, you’ll need a winter ski jacket for casual days, and a heavier overcoat for anything more formal.

9. Jewellery: Start with one metal (gold, silver). You can always build and mix and match later.

I didn’t include anything about sweats here but we all need comfy clothes and a pair of runners or Uggs for mucking about. With the above, you’re off to a good start.

A few words about beauty to finish off. Do the same with your make-up as you did with your clothes. Go through and discard whatever colours don’t work for you any longer. I loved Twig by Mac 15 years ago, but if I wear it now, I look like Edward Cullen. By all means, treat yourself to a make-up application at a high end store. You don’t need to buy any of the products they suggest, but it never hurts to get the opinion of a cometician when you haven’t changed up your make-up in a bit. A rule of thumb: olive-toned skin looks best in warm colours; fair/pink-toned skin looks best in cool colours.

A few words about hair. Get a good haircut that works with how you prefer to wear your hair. The prettiest hair is hair that moves – helmut-head is a big no-no. As far as colour goes, wear a colour you feel good in and that flatters you. I was auburn for some time, but now that my roots are more than 50% grey, I simply look more groomed if I wear it in a strawberry blonde. And I can go longer between colourings so it’s more eceonomical too.

As you can see, I’m passionate about fashion. I think dressing ourselves is not only a form of personal expression, but an art form as well. Believe it or not, I made this post as short as I could. I could go on and on about this…. But, it’s Day 7 of my revamping plan, and I have things to do. Which I’ll tell you about tomorrow.

Sigh. Here’s an area of my life where I’m pretty much screwed. I realize this post didn’t start out with my usual hilarity, but there is nothing funny about my finances. Well, unless you think it’s funny that I’m screwed, in which case you’re a mean person and I have no desire to entertain you.

Let’s back up and do a text message version of The History of Sharon’s Finances: 2000: Divorced, kids live with her f/t. 2002: Wrks 3 jobs to pay bills; keeps house she can’t afford. Uses home equity and credit cards to buy food. 2005: Has been working at corp. manager job for 3 years; making $$$. Makes up for lean years: buys too many things for kids and self. Maintains abundance mentality.  Spring 2010: Wants to make changes; live within means, improve situation. Summer 2010: Realizes there is no quick fix. Damn it.

I am entirely responsible for everything in my life, good and bad. In fact, it can be argued that there really isn’t even a good and a bad, there just is what there is, and what matters is what we do about it. While I would just like to sit down and cry about it, that’s not going to get me very far, and frankly I’m not a pretty crier, so no one is going to feel sorry for me. Sure, some women can just quietly sob, and dab daintily at the corner of their eyes. When I cry, my face swells to twice its size, and there are bodily fluids flying everywhere – kind of like after a hound takes a drink – it’s not good. Fortunately for those around me, I’ve only cried about three times in my life. And yes, once was when George Clooney starting seeing what’s-her-face.

So, what’s a middle-aged girl to do when she realizes she has all sorts of stuff she wants to do, and no means to do it? She takes stock. She gives herself an attitude adjustment. She creates a Profit and Loss Statement (known in financial jargon as a P & L) which calculates  net worth. (I think I can summarize my net worth by quoting a sentence my boyfriend (a Bay Street actuary) recently stated: “Your finances scare the hell out of me.”  And this is a man who is currently raising two teens on his own, and can deal with me, so nothing scares him.) Create a budget. Stick to it.

My boyfriend’s gentle, encouraging words aside, I really am screwed. Or, am I? Let’s take a look at my action plan.

Take stock: In order to make progress on anything, you need to know exactly where you stand. Con: My mortgage is roughly three times my annual salary. And my consumer debt is roughly just over half my annual salary. Not ideal.  Pro: I am healthy, gainfully employed, and make good money. I have marketable skills and a sunny disposition.

Attitude adjustment: Being in survival mode means your vision becomes focused on just getting through the next day, the next hour, the next minute. I was in survival mode for several years, and it became a habit. It is time now to look long-term, and make decisions accordingly. Fortunately, this coincides with a time when I am paring down my life; I have no desire for anything but the necessities (yes, the Michael Kors snakeskin cross-body bag was a necessity). The time has come to start saving for a rainy day, before it starts pouring. Unfortunately, it’s going to take some time to get to a point where I can start saving. But which is better? Just ignore it and carry on? Or accept it, and start to make a dent, no matter how small? I’m going with the latter.

P&L: When everything is calculated, it doesn’t look too bad. Having the house weighs that P&L in a slightly favourable direction, so I will focus on that bit of positive news.

Create a budget: I’m very good at creating budgets. I’m just not very good at sticking to them. And not because I’m irresponsible, but because I don’t account for everything, and because I have – up until now – had difficulty saying no to my kids. There are only two ways to affect your bottom line: decrease expenses and/or increase revenue. I am working on both, with positive results. I have reduced all unnecessary expenses. I have determined what matters enough to me that I will spend money on it. I still treat myself now and then but I’m very discerning when I open my wallet. And I’m focusing on my writing, and maybe I’ll even make a few bucks at it.

Stick to the budget: Along with being almost-50 has come the strength and awareness to say no (and hold others accountable for their own lives). In fact, now when people ask for my money, I have no problem declining, explaining succinctly that I have other plans for my money. I’m allowed to say that. It’s nobody’s business what those plans are, and it feels good to now own my money rather than feel it belongs to everyone. (Case in point: I was contributing to a local museum because I think what they do is important. However, I am also important and until I have extra to contribute, the museum will have to look elsewhere. Yes, it feels good to help others, especially those less fortunate or those doing good, but it shouldn’t be done until our own finances can manage it.)

I find we boomers are all over the financial map. Some of us have remained on track and have paid off homes and healthy investments portfolios. Some of us have lost our jobs during what should be our peak earning years, and are struggling to find a comparable salary while up against youngsters willing to work for less. Some of us have claimed bankruptcy. Some of us are eating into our carefully constructed savings plan far earlier than anticipated due to down-sizing or illness. Some of us are just getting by day to day. I sincerely believe that progress can be made no matter what situation we’re in. Accepting what is, and making the necessary (and sometimes diffcult) changes, will get us on the right track. It may be a slow track at first – my current situation could be compared to a brand-spanking new train which is just being introduced to the track – but something in motion tends to stay in motion, so we need to start somewhere. Freedom 55 may not be my reality, but Freedom 75 sounds pretty good to me.